MICHAEL'S STORY
We got the call at about 1 am. A friend wanted to know who Michael, our son,
had been out with that night. He was out with their son. There had been an
accident.....two boys had been sent to the hospital...wait for them to call
back. We waited and waited. Nothing! We called the hospital and the report
was that they had two boys in the emergency room. They identified our friends
son....but the other boy did not have ID on him. They wouldn't give us any
information on him either. The doorbell rang.....a police car in the driveway....oh
my God....he is DEAD. The other victim was the driver. Michael had never made
it to the hospital. The car hit a railroad tressle, sideways, at a high rate
of speed. Michael was riding shotgun....the impact was at the passenger door.
He was killed instantly of a broken neck! God cried!
This was the beginning of our nightmare, October 23, 1993. This is the day
that my life was permanently changed.....the day that my old life ended and
my new life began. My son was 21 years old, a very handsome guy, lots of friends,
soccer and baseball star, going to college, working and a Lance Corporal in
the Marine Corp. The perfect kid. Snuffed out in a heartbeat.....gone forever.
Yes, my life ended that day.....just as surely as if I had stopped breathing.
Over 300 kids staged a vigil at the funeral home. All of them so sad and hurting.
The driver had minor injuries.....he made it to the wake. I told him I forgave
him.....I couldn't think of anything else to say. Perhaps; "why were you driving
over 60 mph in a 30 mph zone?" or "....why were you driving when you had been
drinking?". Somehow these things did not come out of my mouth. Just, "I am
so sorry....I forgive you." The other passenger, Michael's best friend, died
four days later. The forgiveness was given in haste. I wasn't really ready.
Time passed and I felt the grief hit head on. I was in shock...lost....dead
inside for months. My first source of help was The Compassionate Friends, a
support group for bereaved parents. I had recently signed onto the Net....it
was only a matter of time before I found alt.support.grief. I can honestly
say that without a.s.g , I would never have made it where I am today. The sharing
I was able to do there and the people I found were my saving grace. They became
my only tie with reality. In a world where people do not want to acknowledge
death and in my workplace where everyone wondered when I would "get over" it,
my refuge was the world of the keyboard. I typed and typed until I thought
I would grow more fingers. I am still typing today ... everyday ... exploring
my grief to the fullest. My life has changed...it will never be the same.
My despair and denial slowly gave way to tolerable pain. I began to have moments
when I wasn't centered on the loss. I even had a few periods of reasonable
happiness. Each step forward was welcomed, but there were many steps backwards
after that. The anger hit me from nowhere. This is where the group and my writing
(journaling) really came into play. I wrote for hours and days spewing out
the vile....at Shane (the driver), at Michael (for riding), at others (for
having live kids) and finally.....at God! It was when I arrived at my anger
with God that I began to heal. There are days of depression and days of rage...days
of total sadness....but underneath it all, after this long three years...I
have some peace. I believe that in spite of everything...all will be okay
in the end.
My most incredible rage was for the people who made the idiotic comments like...."God
wanted him more", or "it's not for us to know", or "everything happens for
a reason", or "it was God's will". I was told that I would never know the answer......BUT....they
were wrong. I DO know the answer. The answer is that there IS a God and I am
not him! You see, my higher power doesn't operate like a puppeteer....pulling
all the strings. Some things that happen are God's will, some are man's will
and some things happen for no damn good reason at all. I believe that Michael's
death falls in the second and third categories. God didn't have his hands on
the steering wheel or his foot on the gas when the car hit the railroad tressle.
The driver did that (man) and it was Michael's poor decision to ride with him
in the first place. I believe that God was the first one to cry that day....the
first one.
I have explored the Internet and now I have found a group for us grievers.....a
group that nobody wants to belong to. It seems foolish to "welcome" people
there! The people that find it will be searching......and we will be there.
I thank God for putting me on the info-highway when he did....and I thank him
for pages like this one. I invite those that have not found the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.support.grief to drop by for a chat. Click HERE for
more information on ASG. We are a loving, caring group....all are welcome.
Love & Peace,
Bill Chadwick |